McKella Sawyer

If you follow me on Facebook, you’ll probably know that my piece “Letting Go” was recently accepted to the spring juried show at the Utah County Art Gallery. If you’re in the Orem/Provo area of Utah, be sure to check out the show to see some fabulous work from some great local artists. The show will be up until June 28th.

“Letting Go” 24″x48″x1.5″ Acrylic on Canvas

This is actually a big step for me, because even though I don’t mind baring my soul and sharing my work on the internet, I’m actually very shy about it in real life. I’m pretty shy in general, especially in large groups. It doesn’t help that I wasn’t accepted into the larger juried show that I entered last spring. So walking into an art gallery hauling a 2 by 4 foot painting where everyone can see me and having people ask questions about it is pretty scary for me. I look around and see artists who are much more experienced than I am and have much more developed skills, or gallery directors who have seen thousands of pieces come in for shows and I just want to run home and hide in my studio.

Confidence has always been a huge issue for me, and it’s something I’m working on daily; my journal pages are filled with pep talks to myself and I’m constantly noticing little ways that I “hide” who I am-dressing more conservatively than I’d like, chickening out of entering art shows and other opportunities, not speaking up-and I take a step to “come out”. I entered my piece in a show. I bought a colorful sundress to wear on normal days. I’ll disagree with someone (nicely, of course).

Being myself on the internet and with my closest friends and family is great, but I need to be completely myself all the time, even if others think I’m weird for it or if they don’t like my art. They obviously aren’t the people I’m meant to reach, and that’s ok.

I’m allowing myself to be colorful and weird. I’m letting the world see my art, and not just in pictures on the internet (though I love sharing my work that way), and so far, people are responding to that.

I can’t wait to enter another show and get another colorful dress Have a lovely weekend everyone!

Whenever I need some inspiration or just some time to think, I love to take walks. I go for a walk almost every day, sometimes twice a day. I usually walk around my neighborhood, which is beautiful, but I love to walk through wilder, more natural landscapes when I can.

I visit my family on the weekends and they live on a 20 acre ranch with horses, a stream, woods, and ponds. I woke up on Sunday to a gorgeous spring morning and took a walk around the property with my little Sony Cybershot. I got to listen to wild geeze and ducks having conversations down by the ponds, muskrats swimming around in the water, and the night before I even saw about a half dozen deer in the fields and woods. I love having such a gorgeous place to walk.

I love the reflections in the water. I’ve painted water with reflections before, but I might have to do a bit more of it. Maybe I’ll do some painting on location this summer!

That’s Mount Timpanogas back there, and there are a few noisy geese in there if you look closely!

I finished up my walk at the stables to see my friend “Little B”. I don’t think his owner has given him an official name yet, but I call him Little B because his mama’s name is BeBe. He’s three weeks old and very friendly. Right before I took this, he was posed for a regal, manly portrait, but them the moment I hit the button my brother started a four wheeler somewhere and the sound startled Little B, so this is his scared face.

Walking is good for creativity and the more I do it, the more inspired and healthy I feel!

Things haven’t been going the way I think I’d like them to. The ten pounds or so that I seem to gain every winter doesn’t seem to be coming off as fast as I’d like it to, art sales have been slow, my creativity hasn’t been flowing very well, and money is still really tight. I’m not complaining, that’s just what’s going on.

I know perfectly well that nothing changes unless you create the change, let the change happen, but have you ever noticed how freaking hard it is to do that sometimes, and other times you feel like you can create miracles? It’s so frustrating. In the past, weight has seemed to fall off on its own and my creativity is like water gushing from a fire hydrant. I had faith that money issues would work themselves out, and they have so far. I just worry that my blessings will run out I guess.

Last Sunday I got Laura Hollick’s newsletter in my inbox, a weekly treat, and she told us about a game she plays to stoke her own personal growth.

She asks herself one question: “What would my life be like if I were living in alignment with my values?”

This isn’t a new concept to me, and I actually learned it through her work. When we’re aligned with what we want, the actions to create what we want feel effortless and joyful. It’s kind of like the law of attraction, but with “legs”: We create an intention and send it out to the universe, then we tune everything in our lives-our spirits, our actions, our thoughts-to that desire. Laura once used the example of hunger. If I’m really hungry and a friend calls me to go out, I’ll want to go because I think I’ll  be able to get food. I’m aligned to fulfilling my desire to satisfy my hunger.

It’s like that with everything in our lives. If you’re looking for a relationship, you’ll probably be more likely to go out where you might be able to meet people, or you might put a little more effort into your appearance than usual. Your actions are set to get you what you want.

Anyway, I noticed that I’m not lined up with what I want. Part of that is because I’m not even sure I know what I want, which is a sign I need to do some serious soul-searching , which I love to do, though it can get uncomfortable.  Once I know what I want, I let it fill me.  This means a lot of writing, walking, mantras, visualizing, etc. I might make a vision board or meditate on what I want to create in my life. I also like to repeat mantras in my mind while I walk. I might look at inspiration.

So what do I want? That’s the first step.

I want to feel healthy, I know that. I want to feel light and free from my constant aches and pains, as well as the burdens of my winter eating habits. I want my creativity to flow without the obstructions of opinions or what I think will sell. I’d love to be more relaxed instead of stressing about anything my little stress-addicted brain can latch onto. (I’m not kidding one bit. If there is anything in my life to stress about, my imagination will grab it and run wild).

This isn’t just setting goals and making plans. This is filling with the magic of your desires and dreams and letting that guide you from the inside out. It’s being in tune with Who You Are so that you can find and follow the path that is right for you to get where you need to go in order to thrive.

I ask myself, and I’ll ask you: What do you really want? What do you need to thrive?

It may not be what you think at first, but that’s ok. When you hit on something that’s true for you though, you’ll feel it. It will resonate. So spend a little time assessing how things are going for you and which direction you’d like to go. Just sit with that for awhile, and let it fill you, and the more you sit with it, the more it will become part of you, then part of your actions, then part of your life.

I don’t know why I’ve been so shy lately. I’m quite shy in real life, but I’m usually really open on my blog. I’ve even been shy with myself-I haven’t been writing in my journal as often as I used to and when I start thinking deeply, I get a sudden urge to clean something or turn on loud music.

You’d think my house would be a lot cleaner.

I’m taking this as a sign that I’m onto something important. I always feel uncomfortable before a break through. It’s like giving birth. We carry ideas in our minds for a long time and as they grow, we change though we may not recognize why. As the idea forms an matures, we get even more antsy and uncomfortable in our lives. Our souls know that a big change is coming.

Before this idea becomes reality, we often hurt. For me, this means I feel like having lots of alone time but I can’t stand being alone. I feel like I have gobs of creative energy that just has to get out, but nothing I do seems to relieve it. I waste a lot of time because my energy is so scattered and I can’t focus. I get frustrated easily and I build up a lot of aggression (laser tag is great for relieving this by the way). I change my mind every five minutes. I can’t make decisions because I’m not sure where I stand.

It’s like being swollen with so much energy, but it’s not ready to come forth yet. Soon though, it will rush and out and our lives will change.

I don’t think this energy will manifest in something I create, but something I’ll become. I feel like I’m shedding an outer layer of myself and revealing something I’ve buried for a long time. Lately, I’ve written a lot about not caring what others think and of being honest, and I feel those ideas are central to what I’m experiencing in my life. I feel like an important part of me has been hiding for a long time and is ready to come out.

Not everyone will like it, or accept it. People close to me might think I’m weird. People around me might think I’m even weirder than they already do. I might have to let go of some of my ideas about myself.

But I have to be brave and let it come out anyway, or this period of discomfort will only show up again and again, more intense each time until I’m finally ready to let it come to fruition.

It’s time for magic.

I’m completely in love with my art, but sometimes I struggle to do what I need to do to let others know I’m here. Even art can feel like something I “have” to do if I let myself think of it as a job. I already have one of those. I don’t need another.

Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m try to create a life, not just a living. And I need to let myself rest, because I can get burned out easily.

So lately I’ve been sometimes choosing fun and self-care over a businessy stuff like marketing. Whether that’s wise or not, it feels good. I’ve spent a lot more time with my husband and family. I’ve been outside a lot more enjoying the blossoms and sunshine. I’ve been making healthy meals and my body feels better than it has in quite awhile, though my shoulders and left knee are still giving me a lot of trouble.

It’s nice to feel like I’m me again though. Sometimes I get too wrapped up in things I feel like I “have” to do, but I end up being half as productive because I’m not connected to my soul, my source, or whatever it is inside me that feels like ME. When I’m in that place, I always know what to do, I trust that things will work out, I feel more like reaching out to people instead of hiding in my little hole waiting for them to come to me, and everything in my life just flows and settles like it was always meant to.

I’ve been taking time to deal with some insecurities, one of which is this blog. Sometimes I feel like this should be an art blog and that I should only post useful articles or articles about my work, but that’s not my style. I want to post more personal things like day-to-day thoughts, just like I record them in my journal sketchbook, but I end up talking myself out of it because I feel like no one will want to read it.

It’s not true though. My favorite artist blogs aren’t just about art, they include the artist’s daily life and thoughts, things they do and see as well as their art and creative adventures. I love their art even more because I feel like I know them. I tell myself that this would be true of me as well, that my readers would like my art and writing even more if they feel like they know me. I actually sell quite a bit of work to people I already know, and at first I felt like they were pity sales, but then I realized they bought my work because a) they know I exist (need to put myself out there more) and b) they know the girl behind the art. They know me so they know where that work comes from. They see my hand in my paintings, and I think that helps them connect with it.

I’d like this blog to be more like a journal, and though a lot of art marketing consultants would frown at that, it feels like the right thing to do for me. Though this all goes back to my art, I also want to write about the things I observe, my fears, ideas or inspiring things I come across, any “aha” moments I have or maybe even dreams. It’s all me, just like my art.

I love to make lists. Grocery lists, reading lists, Christmas lists, you name it. I even had a journal that is nothing but lists. I once made a list of lists I like to make.

That was a little excessive.

Today I made a list of things I wish I did more often. I feel like a do a lot of the same things all the time like work, run errands, read personal development books, cook, clean, paint when I make time, and take hot baths. Those are all awesome, but sometimes I crave other things. Maybe if I spent less time on Pinterest looking for summer salad recipes…

• Go to plays and dance concerts
• Read more poetry and novels
• Go to yoga classes
• Doodle and sketch (Surprisingly, I don’t do this very often)
• Go for drives
• Visit museums
• Visit nearby cities and wander
• Go on more dates with my husband, Sam
• Take more pictures
• Eat more seafood

I think making lists like this helps us acknowledge what we might be missing in our lives and show us a clear way to fill some holes. Maybe I could swap the personal development books for a novel or some poems sometimes, or I could take a Saturday every month to go exploring, even if it’s over to the historic district of my own city to explore the little shops.

What do you wish you did more often?

We’ve made it through another winter, and I’m always shocked how much better I feel when the weather starts looking up. I took off my shoes today and dug my toes into the greenish grass today after a walk around the neighborhood in a tank top.

Today marks the first day of spring, which makes today a great day to set new intentions, plant new seeds in our lives, and think about what we want to “grow” for ourselves over the next few months.

I was going to officially celebrate spring with some fresh flowers, a colorful salad, and a lovely ritual to set my new intentions into place, but I’m finding that I’m satisfied to take a walk in the waning sunshine of the evening and simple thing about the seeks I’d like to sow.

• I’d like to stand stronger in my own truth rather than constantly seek to please others.
• I want to allow myself to have more fun. I’m too responsible sometimes.
• I hope to open up to the world and allow myself to be seen.
• I hope to pass through some of my fears so I can experience some of the adventures I’ve been craving.

I plan to tune my thoughts to these intentions and let them guide me over the next few months, allow them to shape my actions and thoughts.

We’ll see what I harvest later.

What are you sowing today?

I wrote about creating my new series a week or two ago. The idea came to me as I was falling asleep one night. I saw a flock of birds flying away and I knew they were things that I needed to release from my life and a symbol for the freedom I was seeking from some limiting beliefs.

Everyone sees something different in my art, so sometimes the less I say the better, but that’s what this piece means to me. Letting go can set us free. (For a larger picture, view this piece in the gallery)

“Letting Go” 24″x48″x1.5″ Acrylic on Canvas

And a close-up of the texture, just for fun:

I’m going to hang onto this piece for awhile and enter it into a show in the spring, but I may put it up for sale in the summer.  I won’t be making prints of this one because the dimension aren’t standard, so this is it. If you’re interesting in purchasing, send me an email!

I’ve been working on a new large painting lately, slowly in little bursts of 30 minutes to an hour at a time. I’m a busy girl with a full-time day job, family stuff, and regular everyday life stuff like paying bills, grocery shopping, prepping food for two busy people, sometimes taking dinner to my husband in the school computer lab (he’s majoring in game design, the most involved major ever), and keeping the apartment from turning into a dump. Yeah, that last one is hard. Between all that, painting usually happens in spurts.

Anyway, as I work on this new 24×48 painting, the concept of this whole series I’m beginning forms in my mind.

Letting go. Flying away. Releasing.

One night I woke up with an image in my mind’s eye of a flock of birds flying away, and I immediately wrote it down and did a few reckless doodles in the sketchbook I keep on my nightstand, because a lot of my ideas show up just as I’m falling asleep.

I knew my Sun and Moon series was complete and I had my feelers out for a new concept, a new idea for a new series.

And here it was.

I feel like I have a lot to let go of, to release. I think we all do.

Beliefs that no longer serve us. Fears. Bad habits. Expectations. Things we cling to because we don’t know what would happen if we let them fly away.

I guess those can really be the same thing, but they manifest in our lives in different ways.

What do you need to let go of?

As I paint the birds on the canvas, one by one, I name them. My desperate need for approval. My intense fear of disapproval. My fear of rocking the boat, so to speak. My fear of completely accepting myself as I am. Loads of unrealistic expectations. Little imperfections that I nit pick at myself for. My fear of being seen.

We all have truckloads of stuff like this hiding deep down in our spirits. It’s like sticky black tar that holds us down, muddies our thinking and our visions, and it’s hard to get rid of. At least we believe it is.

But what would happen if we just let it all go?

What would you life be like if you released it all, all that gunk? Who would you be?

Are all those beliefs you cling to even true?

I think about this a lot lately, especially when I paint. Who would I be without those?

At peace. Lighter. Happier. Probably a lot more successful because I wouldn’t be afraid to really be seen for who I am.

So how about you? What do you want to let go of? I’ll name a bird for you